At least every couple of weeks, someone is super sad in my therapy office about friend issues. This might look like feeling "shafted" because their friends don't "fill their needs." Things get unnecessarily entertaining when my client BLAMES themselves for being the PROBLEM with crazy-level friend issues.
Although there are exceptions, in general, the issues are far less crazy than my client thinks.
The situation might look like the following:
One friend is great, but is unavailable because she's dating someone.
Another friend is available and fun, but is a compulsive liar, so my client doesn't want to spend *too much* time with them.
Yet another friend is a great listener, but is depressed and a home-body.
At this point, my client sighs (after recounting the lame friend situation) and says, "why do I attract such bad friends," or, "I NEED friends who are there for me!!!"
Look, I get it. They actually DO need friends that are there for them. But the level of expectation (bordering on perfectionism) is often the culprit. It is not really possible to expect friends to be everything you want. If you are looking for a friend who is a good listener and available and likes you and pays their own way and doesn't have a significant other to distract them and enjoys studying topics that you have homework in and loves to share pizzas in the flavor that you also love.... then take it easy, it won't happen.
And that's no reflection on you whatsoever.
If you think it is a reflection on what a lame person you are, then look to your assumptions. Probably from childhood you got the idea that you are insufficient and can't attract quality friends, and they blame yourself for not attracting the right kind of people.
Maybe it started in elementary school when you had "less friends" than you expected.
Maybe your parent wouldn't let you have friends over, or you were in a relationship early and just hung out with your partners friends and didn't make your own.
Maybe later in life you worked in an office for years where you never fit in because there was weird stuff going on.
...But regardless of where you got this idea about how bad you are at making/choosing/keeping friends... it probably isn't as bad as you think.
Disclaimer:
(Sure, there is the line of thinking in some rabbit-holes where Freud lives that your crappy friends are your fault. And, of course, if you don't even try to choose good friends, or be a good friend, then Freud is probably right... there might be something you are actually doing very wrong. But you didn't need a therapist to figure that out. If you try to choose good friends, and try to be a good friend, then the problem probably isn't that you have a "kick me" sign taped to your back. The problem is more likely to do with your expectations on what friends can actually provide for you.)
So now on to keeping your expectations in line.
I like to think of friends as each being a slice in a pie.
You need a whole pie of friendship stuff in your life:
Someone to hang out with
Someone to share a pizza with
...complain to
Give service to (makes you feel pretty good!)
Get a ride from
Answer a random question
Laugh/cry with
But, one single person can't do all of that for you. You'll need several different people pitching in. And some of them will be pretty lame in the other areas, but only good in one area.
Maybe the town gossip is great at giving a ride when your car broke down. Then get the ride, but don't confide!
Maybe the person who will watch a movie with you doesn't care that your grandma has cancer. Then watch the movie, and write in your journal about the cancer and how much you love grandma.
Maybe your friend who is too busy dating to acknowledge you will at least answer a text question about a boss she used to have and let you know if he's worth working for. Hey, that's not nothing!
Get the picture? Nobody can fill all of your needs.
And when friends fail you, even when you spread your needs around, there's always other options, like trying to count on yourself. But that's another post for another day...
