Forgiveness can be extremely complicated, and this post won't scratch the surface on how glitchy it can be. In some cases, it is a life-work. It can require a spiritual struggle unlike anything else. In other cases, it takes about two seconds, a shrug, and realizing you were being way too judgy (If you're still mad at that waitress that gave you incorrect change last summer, please, please just let that one go!).
Desmond Tutu, known for his role in ending apartheid in South Africa, wrote a lovely book on forgiving. He saw so much war and hatred in his country. He saw grudges and hatred spoiled people's lives. In a very personal story, he tells of how his daughter, Mpho, came home one day to find her housekeeper murdered. She struggled to come to terms with this.
How about you? Are you feeling trapped by something that happened? Here are the 4 steps that Desmond Tutu teaches to help you reclaim your soul and grow from the ordeal:
1. Tell the story
2. Name the hurt
3. Grant forgiveness
4. Renew or release the relationship
When we tell the story, we tell the facts of what happened to us to someone who is empathetic and safe. We may need to tell the story many times before we are ready to let it go.
Naming the hurt means to say what specifically happened to us emotionally. It means owning our emotional reactions and the way we have ached, felt confused, or whatever it was we felt.
Granting forgiveness means to get to the place where we see the perpetrator’s “shared humanity.” We can forgive when we can see the other person’s pain and confusion, and release any need for retribution. Desmond Tutu quoted Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in his book, “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
Renewing or releasing the relationship means to either let the person go if needs be (for safety or another compelling reason), or ideally, to renew the relationship. Renewing the relationship can be making a new relationship out of the old one, perhaps re-defining the roles and boundaries.
The steps are all important. Jumping right to forgiveness, too quickly, before talking it out, naming it, owning the pain, may bury the feelings only to have them resurface again in an inconvenient moment. You need to take the time necessary to get through the process. If you are stuck, or will talk it through with you adequately, reach out for therapy. It may be just what you needed.
